The Clotrimazole helped with my oral thrush, but not much. The doc doesn’t want to give me Diflucan until we’ve exhausted other options since I’m nursing, so I’m now on Nystatin which may or may not be helping. It’s hard to tell. I’m also continuing my low-sugar diet, and despite trying really hard to eat three meals and get enough calories, I’m down to 121 pounds, 12 pounds below by pre-pregnancy weight. On the bright side, I’m having no pain while nursing these days, though I’m using Clotrimazole on my breasts. I have developed a rash on my breasts which my doc says is not yeast-related, but I don’t think she took a careful look. I hope that she’s right. I’ve also started taking grapefruit seed extract, despite the fact that some websites say it’s poison and not recommended for internal use. Did I mention that I’m desperate?

B is now taking Clotrimazole for his thrush, and it’s too early to tell if it’s working.

I wish so bad that we could put this behind us. It just seems to go on and on and on. It’s been about 5 weeks now since we first got I’s diagnosis. That’s five weeks of giving baby medicine four times a day that makes her scream. Of me and B taking meds 3 to 5 times a day. Of diet restrictions. I’ve started getting very anxious about things. I don’t like giving my daughter gentian violet that clearly says “not for internal use” all over the bottle, despite the doc recommending it. I don’t like taking “poison” and losing so much weight. I don’t like looking in the mirror or at my husband or at my daughter and seeing fungus growing in our mouths. I really thought things were supposed to get easier after the first three months, but this is so much harder than it was at the beginning. I’m just really worried about all of us. I don’t understand why we have this and I’m just feeling pessimistic that it’ll ever go away.

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For my Mom and Dad:

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The crying is so hard. It turns my stomach when she cries.

Anyway, I can only imagine how many of my Mom’s worry lines are due to the stress of raising my brother and sister and me. Probably most of them. I can’t believe I’ve only been doing this for about 3 months! Three months down, a couple hundred to go.

Before the thrush, I was trying to relish every day, and I was succeeding much of the time. I really want to get back to that.

1.) Nystatin for Isla’s mouth 3x per day. This is the worst and hardest because she hates it, and the way the doc has told us to give it to her is very difficult. (Ever try smearing meds over ever surface area in an infant’s mouth? It’s basically impossible.)
2.) Nystatin cream for yeast diaper rash.
3.) Diflucan cream for me.
4.) Diflucan generic topiary pill for me 5x per day. It takes 30 minutes each time to melt in my mouth. Thankfully it doesn’t taste horrible.
5.) Eliminated obvious sugars from my diet – fruit juice, most fruits, alcohol, anything with sugar in the first 3 ingredients, white bread, etc.
6.) Stopped using antibacterial soap (now using very hot water & regular soap)
7.) Vinegar rinse on my nip.ples after bfing
8.) Washing all our clothes and towels after a single use in vinegar and hot water. I’m doing *mountains* of laundry.
9.) Washing all of Isla’s toys that might go near her mouth in hot water and vinegar nightly.
10.) Not wearing a bra most of the time. (I wear a sweater outside so you can’t tell. At least, I don’t think you can.)
11.) Changing my shirt a few times a day.
12.) Washing my hands in very hot water before and after diaper changings and feedings.

The thrush in my mouth seems to be getting better. The stuff on my nip.ples is and Isla’s mouth is not getting better and not getting worse. Her yeast diaper rash seems to be getting better very slowly, but it’s hard to tell.

What I’d really like to know is how I ended up with oral thrush. It is not common to contract oral thrush from your infant, at least as far as I can tell from Dr. Google.

Anyway, all of the above takes a lot of my time, and my free time has basically evaporated to zilch.

The medicine must be applied throughout her mouth. First, I’m supposed to use a washcloth or similar to wipe off her mouth. Then the meds must be applied, three times a day. She hates them and screams bloody murder. It takes five to ten minutes to give them because they don’t work unless you actually apply it all over her mouth. This must be done 30 minutes before she eats, but I also have to do it at least 30 minutes after she eats or she pukes it up. She’s puked it up more than once. I don’t mind cleaning up the puke at all, but I’m worried about her weight gain (always), so her puking up meals is the last thing I need.

In addition, I’m supposed to put vinegar / water solution on my nip.ples after she eats, then 15 to 20 minutes later this cream. This is oh-so-convenient in the middle of the night, of course. (Right now, I’m waiting out the 15 to 20 minutes so I can go to sleep.)

I’m also washing everything we touch daily in hot water and vinegar. I’ve gone from one load of laundry a day to three. I’m washing my hands constantly – my knuckles are literally bleeding from too much hand-washing.

If you look online, it seems very unlikely the above regiment is going to work. That’s the frustrating part. Yes, I hate making my baby scream and puke, but I could do it if I thought it would actually work. But googling thrush is a scary business. Three weeks is nothing in the world of thrush. So far, I have seen no improvement in the thrush in her mouth. This is kind of scary because it worked the first two times, so I’m afraid she’s now got a resistant strain.

I feel like this is sucking the joy of breastfeeding and even parenting. She’s started refusing to breastfeed, which I think is probably because I smell like the medicine, despite the fact that I rinse off before feeding her.

I said I’d breastfeed for 12 weeks and then see how things were going. Right now I’m wondering if breastfeeding is even net-beneficial for her. I mean, the #1 benefit of breastfeeding that I know of is that it prevents diarrhea / intestinal infections. Well, the meds I’m giving her make her puke and have diarrhea, so how is BFing a win right now?

Anyway, the music reminds me of my alternative phase. I went through a hip hop phase, a heavy metal phase, but junior and senior year were mostly about alternative. I suppose I liked it because that’s what everyone at my school listened to. There was no alternative radio station in Roa*noke, so I used to try and get a station from Greensboro, NC. Naturally, I had basically no money, so actually buying music wasn’t an option. When I wanted a song, I would listen to the radio until finally they’d play it, and I’d record it. I made two or three dozen tapes I’d listen to over and over. Thank God for MP3s! And Kazaa, short-lived though it was.

A couple of the songs I remember and the specific memory . . .

Summer Governor’s School, Josh, my first kiss, hiking all over Southwest VA, my trip down into a coal mine

Cross country, travelling to away meets, just wanting to run fast

Pretty much my theme song in high school – I still love this song and listen to it on repeat at work sometimes still. I was so bitter sometimes!

My friend Whitney, more cross country, trips to Ireland (not sure why)