Category Archives: My life


Last week, I traveled to Virginia and spent a few days with my brother and his six-week old baby.  Then I came home, and H went on a business trip.  He’s getting back tonight.  No anxiety.  No panic.  OK, there was a moment when we were socked in in fog on a Bombadier heading to DC from Richmond and the flight was going on and on longer than the pilot had said it would and I feared a repeat of the tri-cities incident.  But, it was fine.  Honestly, I feel like I used to feel before this panic problem started, more or less.  I can’t understand why a three-day business trip used to induce panic and why it doesn’t now.  But I’m just trying to embrace the feeling of having my life back  and not worry the tides will turn again.

Running is going well.  I hit 34 miles a couple weeks ago, and ran 25 miles the week I was on vacation.  My hip has been a little sore, and my feet continue to hurt, but overall, I feel good.  I didn’t end up doing the half marathon I’d planned a few weeks ago due to various logistical reasons.  there are no more flat half marathons this year, so I’m considering doing a hilly one the weekend after next.  Weather permitting, I’ll do it.  (No half marathons in pouring rain.)

And life goes on.  Loving my kids, working, what else is there?

year over year

A couple weeks ago, H headed off on his annual backpacking trip.  He’s been doing the trip for years, and before kids, it was NBD, but this all changed when L showed up.  Actually, before.  The night before his planned 6-day backpacking trip in 2011 when I was pregnant with L, I was puking so much I thought we were going to have to go to the ER for dehydration.  (Unisom saved the day in the end.  It really helps morning sickness for some reason.)  Anyway, that yera, I started to mind him leaving.  Fast-forward to 2015, and I had my first panic attack when he was on a short backpacking trip.  Being unable to call him somehow made everything seem harder.  It’s not something that can be explained easily, but it happened.  Anyway, he’s continued to go on trips, because he feels they’re important for his happiness – and I agree – and we both want him to be happy.  Last year, he went while my parents were visiting, and that was the first trip of any kind that he’d been on in some time that didn’t precipitate a panic attack.  I took Clonazepam for the duration of his trip, and needed a run and a major pep talk from my brother and SIL who happened to be visiting at the time.  After that, things started to get better.  Still, at times, I feel like I’ll never leave this anxiety behind, that it’ll always be an issue in my life.  When i feel nervous or anxious, I’m constantly asking myself what’s normal and what’s not.  I can’t really understand what caused the panic attacks to start, and so, I can’t be sure it won’t happen again.  Anyway, this year, the hiking trip was a non-event.  I didn’t medicate.  I wasn’t stressed.  It just wasn’t a big deal – as it shouldn’t be.  (I mean really!)  So it’s good to look back year over year and realize that even if life isn’t perfect, it’s better.  And it’s good.

open water swimming

I did my first open-water swim on Wednesday.  I’ve been worried about this for some time.  The local triathlon club has practice swims on Wednesdays, and I was hoping to go a couple weeks ago, but I was sick, and then H was out of town the following week, so I finally made it this week.  I’ve read so many triathlon books about people having anxiety attacks when they swim in open water, and my co-worker had a panic attack only last week.  Given my own issues with anxiety and panic, I was worried I’d freak out when I got in the water, despite the fact that I’m a pretty good swimmer, if not particularly fast, and I’ve spent a lot of time swimming lately.

However, all was well.  Well, maybe not quite all, but I felt completely comfortable in the water.  I wasn’t nervous or panicky, and I just felt good in the water.  It was great.  The only problem was that the sun was low and quite bright.  It was hard to avoid looking at it while swimming, and I triggered an ocular migraine.  I’ve purchased mirrored goggles, so hopefully that will help on my next outing.  Interestingly, even the ocular migraine didn’t really make me nervous.  It was just annoying.  There was a coach there who’d planned a 2000 yd workout – more than I wanted to do anyway.  I soldiered on for about 1000 yd (according to my watch), and then just swam in.  The ocular migraine mostly had subsided, which is unusual.  Usually they persist no matter what I do.  But this one had mostly gone away, but I had a headache, and I just wanted to get out of the sun.  Still, I feel really good about the swim portion of the “super sprint” tri I’m planning.  It’ll be in the same lake and will only be 400m.  I’m sure I’ll be nervous on race day, but I’ll get through it.  It’s kind of a weight off my mind.  I’d been quite worried about it.

This weekend, I’m planning a duathlon.  I’ve already paid (and ‘athlons are expensive), but both my kids are sick, so fingers crossed I’ll stay healthy.  It’s a 20 mile bike and a 10K run.  I’m not really in shape for a race of that distance, but I should be able to make it through, perhaps slowly.

business trip

H went out of town last week, for four days.  A year ago, that would have sent me into a paroxysm.  In fairness, things used to be a lot harder.  For example, it used to be so hard to get the kids to bed because L would freak out if I left her alone to get B to bed, and she made too much noise if I took her in with me.  Nowadays, I put them to bed at the same time, in the same room, and everything typically goes very smoothly.  It’s so much easier!  My new TV after dinner when Daddy is out of town policy also makes things a heck of a lot easier.  B loves Masha the Bear and L loves the movie First Position.  In combination, I easily get 45 minutes of almost complete peace.  In any event, I was basically not stressed or anxious on this trip at all.  I feel like I’m 80 or 90% back to my normal self.  I also feel like things could go south at any time, but i mostly feel like I’m getting my life back.  Why this all happened to me, I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s something I’ll struggle with on some level for the rest of my life.  Life is good right now, though, and I’m not really thinking beyond that.

Sarah and her family visited last weekend.  As she put it on FB, “Thank you universe for putting my sister and one of my best college friends only minutes apart.”  Yes, thank you very much universe.  I really appreciate it.  It was great seeing Sarah and her whole family, and it was so cute watching the kids play together.  Now all I have to do is get my act together and develop the pictures.

I went cycling with a co-worker this weekend, a guy I’ve known for longer than a decade.  Ironically, I used to give him a hard time about cycling in the rain.  How times change.  We seemed to be quite well-matched in speed and general ride preferences, so it went quite well.  It was great, actually.  He hasn’t been cycling much, and I suspect if he were to cycle frequently, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him, but for now, we’re in a similar place.  I had to push to keep up with him on the flats, and he had to push to keep up with me on the hills.  Overall, we went a good bit faster than I would have alone (though still slow by any reasonable standard.)

The STP was this weekend.  It’s a 200+ mile from Seattle to Portland.  A colleague of mine at work did it . . . in one day.  It took him 11 hours.  Crazy!  Part of me is thinking maybe I could do it next year.  Right now I can cycle 40 miles, and I figure I could do 60 if I had to.  I need to get to a place where I could cycle 100 – and then do it again the next day.  Honestly, my legs are usually in pretty good shape after 40 miles, but I’m still dealing with, ahem, chafing issues.   We’ll see.  I guess I should focus on getting through a triathlon this summer and then worry about next summer.

racing plans

At the end of last year, I laid out the following events tentatively for the year:

1.) 1/29 FFV 5K – Done, New PR!

2.) 2/26 FFV 5K #2 (Didn’t do – on vacation)

3.) 3/18 Magnuson Duathlon – Done, brutal!

4.) 4/30 Mt. Rainier Duathlon – Done

5.) 6/3 Lake Wilderness Triathlon – Decided to skip due to cold water temperatures

6.) 7/9 See Jane Run women’s 5K – Now planning to skip due to $75 registration fee

7.) 8/12 Lake Meridian Triathlon – Still planned

Now that the year is half over, it’s time to re-visit the plan for the rest of the year.  Here are my thoughts right now:

7/23: Seafair Duathlon

8/12: Lake Meridian Triathlon

9/10: Lake Stevens Triathlon (a big maybe – if Lake Meridian is fun)

9/24: Kitsap Color Classic cycle

10/7: Fall City 10K

10/26: Snohomish River Run 10K/Half Marathon

11/4: Lake Washington Half Marathon

11/26: Seattle Half Marathon

~12/18: 12Ks of Christmas

I’m sure I won’t end up doing all of these; I certainly won’t do two half marathons, but I am thinking maybe I’ll do one.  It’s not that hard to run 13 miles, right?

summer exercise clothes

I ended up staying home sick today.  I’m feeling much better now, but earlier my cold had turned into one of those colds that make you feel like you’re drowning.

I didn’t run today, so here’s my latest on running – and now general exercise – attire.


Nike Run Fast Short-Sleeve Shirt

I try to avoid sleeveless running tops if I can just because it’s that much more sun exposure.  The ideal running shirt, in my opinion, goes just to the waist, so that it’s just long enough to not expose skin at rest.  It’s loose-ish, not so loose that it’s flapping around, but loose enough for plenty of airflow.  Tops of this description are surprisingly rare – the Nike top above checks all the boxes.

Lululemon Long DIstance Short Sleeve Shirt

I splurged on this one as a reward for meeting some kind of athletic milestone or other.  It works best when the weather is a bit cooler.  I usually run in the morning, so it’s often in the low to mid 50s, and this top is a good option.

Sugoi Climber’s Jersey

I only own the one jersey, and I like it.  it’s comfy and flattering and basically a win.

Cycling shorts.  Any ideas, anyone?  i can’t find a pair of shorts that doesn’t start to seriously chafe after about 20 miles.  Actually I don’t know if it’s the shorts or the seat or what, but something is not working for me.

Running shorts

Adidas Performance Women’s Grete Shorts.  They don’t appear to sell them anymore, though perhaps these are similar.

Zoot Sports Ultra Run Icefil 3-Inch Short

I still like my Champion sports bras and my Balega socks.

These days, I’m running in Asics Kayano shoes.  They’re Asics most cushiony supportive shoe, and so far, they seems to be helping my feet a little bit.