23 weeks

It’s funny to me that my last blog entry was two weeks ago.  I actually like having these blogs to look back on and remember how I was feeling.

After getting the previa diagnosis, I had a significant anxiety spike for a while.  Not only was I (and am I) worried about complications directly from the previa – bleeding, hospital stay, C-section, etc. – it just made me feel very vincible.  If that’s a word – basically the opposite of invincible.  My pregnancies have been hard, no doubt about it.  I know some women have much harder pregnancies, but the nausea, vomiting, SPD and feeling lousy after eating means pregnancy has definitely been no picnic for me.  However, I’ve never really had to worry about my health or the baby’s health.  Excluding my first trimester miscarriages, I’ve never had any kind of flag whatsoever indicating any issues.  No failed screens, no gestational diabetes, no bleeding or even spotting, textbook weight gain, no early labor, etc., etc., etc.  I’ve been lucky.  Previa is fairly unusual but not the number one risk factor listed is age.  And being old is a risk factor for basically everything.  I’ll be 39, nearly 40, when this little one is born, and I just started going down this fairly bad road of worrying about losing the baby.

I feel lousy a lot, and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish feeling lousy, especially GI lousy, from complications that might result in early labor.  The time from 21 weeks to 24 weeks has just been dragging by.  Obviously, I don’t want to have a baby at 24 weeks (survival rate 50%), but still, I think reaching viability will make me feel better.  I’m 23 weeks today, and at this point, some babies survive, and every day brings me closer to a healthy baby, even if she came early.

I’m also struggling at work.  While my nausea is mostly (but definitely not entirely) gone, the second trimester honeymoon has just really not happened for me.  I don’t feel good.  And it’s really hard to be effective at work when I don’t feel well.  I think I need to level with my boss, but I really don’t want to.  It’s be different if I hadn’t just taken a new job.  I think I really need to take a step back and realize that this season of life will pass.  My baby will be born and grow up, probably faster than I can imagine.  She’ll be in school, and I’ll still have 20 years of career left.  Even if I’m kind of sucking at work right now, I can and will be a strong contributor again.  I just need to keep things in perspective.