accident

I was in an accident on the way home from work today.  There were four cars involved, and a think a fifth actually was part of it but didn’t stop.  My car was seriously damaged, possibly totaled and definitely not drive-able.  I think there was an accident on the right side of the road.  The car in front of me swerved to avoid it, and I swerved to avoid that car.  I think I succeeded, but I was hit from behind.  I was just able to drive my car to the side of the road – Jonathan was surprised it was possible based on its condition.  I am fine.  Shaken up.  But fine.

In the moment, I was totally cool.  Afterwards, I was shaking and upset, but my reaction wasn’t abnormal at all.  Whatever circuit was mis-wired in my brain after B was born didn’t misfire tonight, for which I was grateful.  It sucked sitting on the side of the highway waiting for cops to show up.  There was a major accident on another highway so it took a while.  And then lots of time waiting for paperwork to be filled out and so on.  Jonathan came to pick me up and I’m home resting and working now.

I’m mad it happened.  Like, what if I’d left five minutes earlier?  Why didn’t I do something different to avoid the car in front of me?  Could I have driven better?  I don’t think so.  I mean, I really don’t think there’s anything I could have done.  They have identified the person at “primary fault,” but apparently it is possible I could be identified as at secondary fault, which I think would be massively unfair.  I really don’t think there’s anything I could have done.  I wasn’t speeding or on my phone or distracted in any way.  I wasn’t driving aggressively.  The car in front of me just pulled straight in front of me and I swerved to avoid it.  If I’d driven differently, could it have been worse?  Probably.  Could it have been better?  Probably, I guess.

I’m just glad I’m home.  It’s been a hell of a week.  What happened Tuesday has been sinking in, and I am really just very sad about it.  I really liked him, and it just feels like a tragedy.  Like a bad thing that happened to a very good person who did not deserve it.